I never realized it before, but I must be a control freak. I always hold the gas nozzle when I fill the car for fear the gas will come gushing out, due to a malfunction, and spill all over the ground; subsequently blowing up the station.
When my family signed me up for para sailing, without my knowledge, I thought I would just go through with it, not realizing I had absolutely no control of anything, except for the decision ' to go.'
There I was flying over the ocean a few hundred feet above the shark infested ocean in a chair held up by a kite tied with a rope to a boat. I had no control of the boat, kite or rope, I was terrified.
I only heard about the near death stories afterward when I was safe on the ground having prayed every second of every minute I was in the air; frightening my brave daughter who thought it was safe; except for my ' please God keep us safe' babbling which unnerved her.
Mara told me yesterday that the first time she para sailed with her son, the chair started to fall apart while they were sailing through the sky. She freaked out. I have heard of people slamming into buildings upon descent to the shore. Strangers who operate rides take your life into their hands.
When I was younger, I went on a traveling circus carnival ride . I sat next to a guy who was 200 pounds heavier than me by sight. The Ferris wheel operator controlled the speed and the amount of time we spent flying around on the Ferris wheel. The ride seemed forever and it was forever when I realized the operator got a kick out of watching the gravity force of this guy's massive body slam against my body.
I felt helpless sitting there being crushed repeatedly. I was lucky to get out without any broken bones; only bruises, a smashed straw purse with broken sunglasses inside. I don't go on traveling circus rides anymore; not even the ones the local churches bring into town.
I like adventure as much as the next guy as long as it's completely under my control in which case it's not much of an adventure if there is no unexpected thrill. I did relent a few times. I do remember being talked into, by my youngest daughter, a Ferris wheel ride with single seats. It was indoors at Universal or Disneyland. The Ferris wheel spun around, projecting each chain linked flying seat towards the wall with each passing. I actually thought I would hit the wall at full speed every time it made a full circle. Just at the moment of 'almost' impact, the wheel jerked me out of harms way for another round of
Dare - I - Do - That- Again. With each passing jerk from the wall, I laughed so hard, I cried; that I was still alive.
The thrill of uncontrollable adventure.
I go into shock mode when I am in a car accident. Makes me wonder why I drive so fast when I know I won't have any control of an out of control car because I can't think that fast. I do depend on my guardian angels to guide me. My daughter once asked why I don't have the confidence to drive without them. When my family told me that my driving scares them. I replied, " .....not half as much as it scares me." Therefore, the angels.
Just when I think I have control of my foot, I realize it has a mind of its own. I was flying down the highway sandwiched between two semi trucks, knowing that the highway ahead was narrowing into two lanes. I could have slowed down to trail behind the semis, but NOoooooo, I had to gun it. There I was flying along in between two trucks as if I were an Oreo center; light and fluffy to be squashed. I had control I told myself. I had my foot on the pedal and I could make it, although no one told that puttering Volkswagen Bug that appeared in front of me. I had no time to think. Oh carp! I can't slow down now, my foot won't let me.
Just when the right lane disappeared forcing the semi into my lane, the Volkswagen was no where to be seen and I could feel my car flying, as if it had wings, over and above the truck encroaching on me. No one can tell me there are no guardian angels; only a foolish foot.
I have no idea if I have control of anything until it happens. I didn't feel afraid when I fell into the rapids of a river. I did not have time to think. I could hang onto the raft.
The first time I kayaked in the ocean I didn't think about sharks. I was with plenty of guides and other kayakers that were shark bait. Even when a wave struck our kayak, flipping it on top of me; pinning me down in the ocean, I knew my husband and other kayak guides were all around me...somewhere. My feet were touching the ocean floor. I could survive.
Fear comes from not knowing how much control I will have when the time comes to survive whatever life throws at me. Once I figure that out; then I am fine, thank you.
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