Her constant fear of being pursued by the devil because she was holy.
I am sure these thoughts are shared by many religious people; although Kristine was not very religious at the time, so maybe the devil was after her.
I stayed up for 3 nights with her, prior to her first meeting with a psychiatrist, to assure her that she was safe with us. Her psychiatrist at that time acted as if Kristine just needed a pill to calm herself down. She was rather cavalier in her administering of drugs. Kristine complained of stomach pain after taking Abilify in which she stopped eating. The doctor said it was all in her head as her other patients don't complain. The doctor told me to increase the medication by 1 1/2 times; ignoring Kristine's complaints because Kristine is mentally ill after all and delusional, what would she know?
The drug sent Kristine over the top. She cut off her long hair within an inch of her scalp and started screaming at the top of her lungs. She tried stabbing her eyes with scissors, but I could see she did not have the will power to go through with it as she was just going through the motions of stabbing but never quit reaching her eyes. I grabbed her with all my strength to keep her from harming herself but she was bigger and fought back with all of her strength, so I started hitting her with a hairbrush. She cried out in pain. I yelled at her, " a hairbrush is nowhere near as painful as stabbing out your eyes."
I could see where this was going. I would call for emergency help. The police, the medical people, the firemen would all come and stand around for an hour talking about the situation. Then they would take her to the hospital for observation for 24 hours while we sat around waiting for the hospital psychiatrist to evaluate her. For some reason the doctor was never there when we arrived around 5 PM; they managed to show up at 3AM. By then we are all exhausted.
Having gone through this procedure many times before, I would always instruct Kristine to say, "I am not suicidal," so they won't send her to the mental ward. Once she tells the psychiatrist the magic words: 'I am suicidal,' they immediately send her off to the loony bin where they have a habit of over drugging the patients.
The main purpose, I believe, in the mental institution's psychiatrist, is to dope up the patient so they won't hurt themselves or others. That is, a patient coming from a mental institution can be drugged to a level of comatose and that would be fine with them. They don't care if the person is lying around in a lobotomy state. Therefore, I do whatever I can to keep Kristine from the really loony doctors. I am sure they would appreciate my analogy but it comes from experience having been to more than five mental wards; including UCLA; UCI, etc.
Whereas, the main purpose for the outpatient psychiatrist such as the ones at Appleton House and Gould Farm, is to manage the drugs a patient takes so they can "function in society." Completely the opposite use of drugs and intentions from the intentions of a mental ward.
Yes, Kristine was psychotic before she was on prescription drugs. I never thought to take interest in the character Kristine said she identified with in the Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath, who had mental illness.
In college she had tried calming her fears of going crazy and having anxiety through drinking and experimental drugs. After she graduated from college, she told us she felt she was going crazy, but we did not take it too seriously.
By this time, Kristine was trying to save herself without her parent's knowledge. She was taking holistic drugs with the thought that she would naturally rid the parasites in her body; that she saw in her feet when she and her fellow classmates took a trip down the Panama Canal, stopping off at little villages. She thought the parasites were affecting her body and mind. Why was she going crazy.
I told her to see a psychologist. She did, but he did more harm, as he later admitted. He did not know how ill she really was; therefore, he had encouraged her to question her parents about her upbringing; alienating her from us and the only support she had to fight her demons.
It wasn't until the night she stopped her car on Sunset Boulevard, Hollywood, CA, getting out to walk in the middle of the street; thinking she was Jesus Christ, that we were woken up by the cops into a nightmare because mental illness was an unknown to us.
One thing lead to another. After she graduated from USC, she found herself working an 80 hour week for the mortgage company in 2003 when homes were flying off the market. Coupled with organic foods, holistic drugs and yoga twists that turned into sculptural abstract shapes for any body. She did it all and it came crashing down on her like an apocalypse: thus, her Jesus Christ moment; followed by the devil taking her.
While Kristine was running from me all over the house, trying to stab herself, I called the emergency unit to come help me; all the while trying to physically stop her and give her a Klonopin pill. A pill for anxiety to calm her down. Try physically fighting with someone to keep them from injuring themselves AND encouraging them to take a pill. No human feat.
I knew that if she had this pill she would be calm enough to avoid another mental ward. I felt she only needed a good psychiatrist who could manage her drugs; thus, Dr. Irvin.
She was so relaxed when the emergency medical team showed up; but she was also not well enough to stay out of the ward. I spend the other half of my time trying to keep the mental ward from over drugging her and getting her out.
Today, if you read my previous blog Kristine's First Week at Le Cordon Bleu, you can see the progress made, if only through the determination that Kristine has, to fight for her right to normalcy; and the determination of all those who support her, including the medical profession; as leery as I am of the profession as a whole.
Following the last blog episode of Kristine's adventures, as I have come to view them; Kristine worries about immediate tasks at hand, but you could never tell because her drugs keep her thoughtful and restful in appearance; although her mind is anxious at times.
It's only her third week of classes and she is already on a roller coaster ride to achieve her goals. We have seen other young people at Appleton and Gould farm who are over achievers on a mission that takes their body and mind to task beyond normalcy. They do not want to slow down.
She made the highest grade in class on her sanitation test this week. She was annoyed when only one other student showed up for their group project. To avoid a bad grade; she did the group's entire PowerPoint presentation, including writing all of their presentation speeches. She studies non-stop by reading, writing, making flash cards; slicing and dicing vegetables. The 1 1/2 hour drive to class is not stressful for her. She has always liked driving while listening to the radio. She calls that relaxation.
Yes, she has anxiety. She keeps her voices at a minimum. Although she appears lacklustered because of the drugs which I hope will change in time when the drugs have done their job of repairing her brain; she is anything, but lacklustered in action and spirit.
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