What's in a Paradox?

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This subject was so hard to put into words because I made it more complicated than it should be and hope you can connect the dots.

Have you ever wondered why some religious pundits wear tons of makeup, flashy jewelry and clothing while professing to know God? Tammy Faye Baker had those spidery thick black lashes full of mascara. You would think a person who professes to know God would not have to masquerade.

I think God sets in motion our self-contradicting statements and actions that are perplexing to us when they become self evident; just to make a point. The more we say we know; the less we do know. The more left we lean; the more right we become. It becomes a subconscious battle of the mind.

When I dress up, I have that feeling of masquerading. I believe that God forces me to see what's in my soul during this time and it's through my own contradictions of actions and thoughts that I have a sense of God.
I am sure when religious pundits dress up for their audience; they must be aware of that contradiction of looking like a peacock as they proclaim to know what God wants. 

Tammy preached about a loving God, but when she was very ill with cancer, she said she was afraid to meet her Maker. What? That loving God she preached about for decades.

When I am contradicting myself, I am aware of an invisible force.  Contradiction makes me aware that He is watching me because I certainly would not contradict myself by choice. I feel manipulated by outside forces beyond my control at this point.  I am forced to come full circle to see both sides of a thought or action. It makes me laugh sometimes because I imagine that God is having fun by turning the tables on me; as if, we are playing a game because no one dies.

Everything I say about God is true for me; and contrary to this: God is based on my faith.

Being aware of this contradiction makes me believe there is a God somewhere because I would never allow myself to be this screwed up.
Maybe, it was Tammy's proof too; but she couldn't give up the masquerade; and maybe, she couldn't give up the fear that comes with it.